4th of July Blues

This was last 4th of July. We were newly engaged, and got to spend the day together. This year, we didn't get that. Needless to say, both of us had a hard day. Trey, much harder than mine. He was outside in record heat in full gear for a ruck march and a trip to the gas chamber. When I did get a text from him it was very sad, and we only got a few minutes of communication when originally we had thought we were going to get a phone call.

My day was not as bad. I actually had some really exciting support news come in, and had a great support meeting. I was home alone though, while my family celebrated together. I wanted to go see fireworks, but never got an invite with people from here. They might have decided not to go, but that's okay. I'm watching them in bed with Ghost passed out next to me.

Anyways, while I waited all day for Trey to call, the later it got, the less likely I thought it would happen. Well, that's kind of exactly what happened. They changed plans on them again like the Army likes to do and just gave them enough time to shower. So I got a few texts and that was is. After feeling especially lonely on this holiday, it was enough to make me cry, not getting to hear Trey's voice.

Now I wasn't mad at Trey or upset with him. I know he wants to talk to me just as much as I want to talk to him. But for a second, I could feel myself going back into that dark place of anxiety, and I didn't want that to happen. I made myself stop crying. I prayed and I got in the shower.

As I was in the shower reflecting on the night. I realized that it's okay for me to be sad. I'm away from my husband. Where it's not okay to be is so upset that I feel like I can't make it. When those thoughts creep in, my anxiety skyrockets, and I am not in a good place. It is a sinful place to be because I don't trust God enough at that moment to bring this month to completion.

So I realized it was okay to be sad, I gave myself grace, and I stopped myself before I got to the sinful anxiety level of sadness.

Another thing I realized, was that I have been harboring anger and bitterness towards people here in Statesboro who know that Trey is gone, but aren't reaching out. That's sinful. I am not their main concern, and I shouldn't be. They do care, and thinking they don't is just a lie from Satan himself. I am just as capable of reaching out as they are.

So after being convicted of my sin, giving myself grace, and processing through the emotion of it all. I feel okay. Not great, but okay. I miss my husband, and I'm allowed to have moments of sadness. Those moments don't make me any less of a strong wife. God is sanctifying me through this month of being away, and while a deployment sounds literally like the worst thing ever right now, I know he will get me through that too. I'm still learning. God is still patiently working in me, and he will prepare, sustain, and strengthen me in a deployment when the time comes. I believe that to be true. Even if I can't imagine it now, I believe it.

So now the first holiday of our married life comes to an end, and I realize that this is just another day, and we are one day closer to being together again, and that makes me incredibly happy! These next 3 weeks cannot come fast enough! Thank you God for another lesson in this month, and another day coming to completion. You are good always.