Anxiety Ailment

Something I've noticed since Trey left almost a week ago, is that he is a calming presence for my anxiety. Ever since we got married, I don't think I've even felt my anxiety. That was until he left. It was not as bad when I was hearing from him every night. I guess that calmed me down, but now that I can't hear from him, it has increased and made me feel terrible.

My anxiety makes me feel so sick. I mean whole body. My stomach aches, my heart beats too fast, and I always feel like I'm on the verge of a full on panic attack. I hate it. It's been extremely bad today. I don't think I've felt this bad since maybe our wedding morning. But again, as soon as I saw Trey, I was fine.

Anyways, I know that anxiety is not from the Lord, it's from Satan, but I want to pinpoint what it is that's causing this so I can try and fight back.

I already know that Trey is my calming person. Something that is a wonderful quality to have in a spouse, but why?

I think it goes back to how he loves me. He is one of the only people on this planet that makes me feel like I am enough, just the way I am. I've always struggled with feeling like I'm not enough. From ballet, to school, to friends, I always seem to feel like not enough. He had to tell me time and time again how I am enough. He was the first person to make me feel that.

So maybe that's it? I am not around the person who makes me feel so okay to be who I am. I'm not sure.

Another idea I have is that he makes me feel so safe. I don't feel like I'm in danger or anything. I live in a good area and I've never felt unsafe here, but I think he just gave me that peace that he would never let something happen to me. Maybe now that that comfort is gone, my anxiety is spiking.

I'm trying really hard not to let my anxiety get out of hand, but it doesn't seem like it's something I can even control. I'm usually okay in the morning and up until I've done all the must do things of the day. It's when I don't have much to do, when my mind can sit and wonder, that I feel the weight of anxiety coming on.

That makes me think that it really is just spiritual warfare. Satan is trying everything in his power to get me to throw in the towel and go home. Believe me, that would be easier, and to a degree I do wish that was what I had decided to do this summer. But, I need to support raise here. I have contacts here that I haven't gotten to meet with, and I have meetings set up. I've told myself that after next week, if I don't have any meetings for the next week here, I'll go home for a week and then come back to work at the ballet studio that next week.

But that would be such a waste of time, gas, and I want and need to believe that I can do this, here in Statesboro, not just shrinking back into the comfort of my own home. Sure I really wish I was home, but then I think about how hard support raising would be there. Because it was so hard last summer.

I just need some clarity I think, and freedom from this anxiety. I'm trying my best to stay around people that make me feel loved and cared for, and to fill my schedule up. But it's hard when my schedule kind of has to revolve around support, and also the friends that I feel most loved by, are not here.

It makes me more sad to feel like this without Trey because I know if he were here, I'd feel all better. He's always been the calm to my anxiety, and then I get more anxious because I feel like this month will never end, and I'll continue to feel like this.

I'm at a loss right now. I don't know what to do. I've been praying and will continue to, but all I want right now is what I can't have, to be in Trey's arms, and that makes me sad. It's just one vicious cycle that I can't seem to get out of.

So if anyone reads this, please just pray for me. please.