Conviction in the Pain

This post is going to be more of a post about me getting thoughts out than anything else. So bare with me if it's all over the place. My mind is jumbled, but I'm hoping this will help sort out what's all in my mind.

The pain of being away from Trey is amazing me with it's intensity. I have never felt this sad or alone or broken. At least not since I met Jesus. I'm sure before that I felt it, but not that I can recall. It's like I'm being pulled in two. Like I am so lost and broken without him here. Being around people is helpful, but all I want is him. I want him to hold me, to make the pain go away, to make the anxiety I so hate go away.

It's like nothing I've ever felt. How can someones absence make you feel so many things. I've thought about this a lot this week. Have I made Trey an idol? Or is this normal to feel since I'm away from my literal other half? We are one flesh now, and man do I love it, but this feeling I don't. The feeling like this month will never end. That time is standing still. Which I know to not be true since I keep doing things, going to sleep, getting up, and repeating. But this thought I've been wrestling with, is this much pain normal?

Now the last time Trey went away for a month, many things were different. I had been away from him for over a month already on summer mission. With that came built in support from wonderful roommates who all lived with me in close quarters. I was never alone for long, so I never really got too sad. Also being on mission, and working at Disney, my days were extremely filled. I didn't have to worry about keeping myself occupied, because with mission activities I was. Also most obviously, we were not married yet. We had only been dating for a short time, and while we had already decided on marriage, we weren't there yet.

This time though, the opposite of that summer is true. Everything I have wanted ever since Trey and I started dating has just come true. We are married, and for the past month, we've gotten to spend almost every minute together. Little silly things that didn't mean much, we got to do together. We got to relax together, and spend all our time with one another, and never had to say goodnight and leave. We have never had that before, and now everything feels incomplete without him here.

I wonder if this is why it hurts so bad? I'm not sure, but I really don't like feeling this way. This has led me to lots of prayers for strength, peace, and help during these next 25 days. Yes I'm counting down, even to the minute, until he steps off that plane in Atlanta.

Now I don't know if the reason I'm hurting so bad is because I've made an idol of Trey, or because I am away from my husband and it's normal, but I have definitely been convicted about something.

If I love Trey this much, that is hurts to where I am physically crying and in pain because we are apart, why am I not this distressed to be away from my savior. We are still away from Jesus, yet I don't cry over wanting to be with him. That is not how it should be. I should love him more. Love my Lord more, to where being here on Earth at least resembles the pain I feel for being away from my husband. My heart should feel heavy for those who don't know Jesus. That should give me the desire to share the Gospel more. To worship and praise him, and rely on him.

Again, I'm still unsure if this pain I'm feeling is normal or not, but one thing I'm for sure of. I need to love the Lord more. Cherish him more. Seek him more. And share his Kingdom more. Even when Trey's back, my desire should be all the more to share with him, as one flesh. So for now my prayer will be to love the Lord more, to increase my awe and enjoyment of him, and to him be my source of joy. Especially during this time away from Trey.