Insomniac Thoughts

If you've ever had a night where no matter how tired you are, your mind just won't let you stop and rest, you understand the frustration and exhaustion I'm feeling right now.

Every part of me wants to be asleep next to my husband, but instead I am laying on the couch with the tv on, hoping this baking show will consume my mind enough to let it drift off to sleep.

I feel so annoyed and upset with myself. I want to sleep in my bed with my husband but after laying there for upwards of 2 hours, I just couldn't do it anymore. I would almost be asleep and my mind would start racing, or I'd get too hot, or my stomach would start feeling like it was in knots. I feel so angry at myself that I can't sleep. I could cry.

Where is this all coming from though? Honestly I'm not sure. That's partially why I'm writing this. I want to figure out what's going on in my mind that's causing me to not rest.

The past few days, I have slowly become more and more anxious, and insecure for no apparent reason. I don't know if it's the rejection I've felt from different people over the last month or the sheer fact that this semester is about to start and I'm down right scared, nervous, and anxious about what it will bring. Another thing that I'm wondering is if it's the newness of Trey and my new home and readjusting back to marriage. I just want to do well in all of that. In my work, in my relationships, and in my marriage.

My desire to do well in these things seems to be related to my sinful nature of people pleasing. I know my ultimate desire should be to only please God, but I just feel like I've been failing at being a friend, at being a wife, and at my job in this season of support.

While those are probably all lies from Satan himself, I can't help but feeling like I'm in this pit of anxiety, and that makes me mad. Mad that I'm out here unable to sleep, mad that I've let my thoughts consume me, and mad that I've let Satan turn a joyous and restful time into a series of nightmares, stomach aches, and anxiety.

All I want is to be able to articulate this well to Trey, but I feel like I don't even know how to talk it out. I feel as though I've forgotten that I'm allowed to tell him how I feel. He's my husband and deserves that honesty. Part of me wonders if it's an after effect of our separation. That I'm subconsciously harboring feelings and thoughts because I know he'll have to leave again, and I'm scared if I fully open up again, him leaving will hurt all the more.

But I'm not called to that. That's not marriage and I know that. And that makes me more upset because all I want is to be able to be a good wife and break down the barriers I've somehow put up. I hate them and hate that they're affecting me in this way because Trey is my best friend, and I know that if I just open up he'll be there for me better than any other person could. Why am I doing this? I want to be able to explain it all and I don't want to feel like this anymore.

I have always felt so much like I wasn't enough. That I wasn't wanted and needed, and yet Trey has always been the only person who made me feel otherwise. What I'm doing is not only destructive to myself, but to our marriage. Satan has put this grip on me that I so badly want out of. I don't know if it's because of the last month of him being away or if it's just the newness of our home or the fear of the new semester and beginning "real" life. I don't know, but I know it needs to change. And it can only change with the help of Christ. I must pray through this and repent of this and be honest with Trey.

All the other things that I'm worried and anxious about are small in comparison. I'm just hiding behind my fears and insecurities and I know that. Because as hard as I want to please people, my only goal should be to please God. He sees everything, and even the little things that I don't feel like get noticed, he notices. My goal is not for others but for him.

My heart posture must change in ministry, in teaching, and in marriage and other friendships. The goal is Christ, and it always should be.

Lord help me in this. Help me to let go of fear and anxiety. Help me to fight against the schemes that Satan throws at me. Help me to love my husband better. But most importantly, help me to love you better. Amen