Stuck

Well hey y'all! It has been about 6 weeks since I last posted, and honestly I still feel kind of lost in that same daze that I talked about last time. I've made some strives to beat the sinfulness I feel is consuming my thoughts, but honestly it's been a rollercoaster of feeling on top and then feeling like I'm stuck in an endless cycle of my mind not ceasing. My thoughts seem almost obsessive and I honestly feel like I'm the most broken human on Earth. Let's be real, I am. That's the whole truth. I am broken, I am sinful, and I need Jesus. It's that simple. Yet my mind is so in overdrive, that sometimes it's hard for me to remember that. I feel so weak against this mind trap. I've prayed, I've confessed, I've had others pray over me, and here I am. Still stuck. But one thing keeps coming to mind. This will be used for God's glory. It's part of his story for me and I just don't know how it all fits together yet. That's okay... I think.

I could go on about how spiritually attacked I feel. I believe that's where a lot of this is coming. The reality is though, no matter how much I cry and plead for it to go away, we are not in heaven. This is war. It tells us in Ephesians 6 that "We do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but agains the rulers, against authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against spiritual forces of evil in heavenly places." (vs.12, ESV). That's a pretty weighty and scary statement to hear. The message is clear though. Spiritual warfare is real, and when you're doing work for the Kingdom, Satan and his demons try that much harder to knock you down. I've spent the last few weeks trying to memorize the Armor of God verses from Ephesians. It has helped some, but I'm still here stuck a little bit. So I will continue on memorizing and repeating to myself the truths that strengthen my faith and trust in God.

Our whole life will be full of temptations and suffering, and until we understand that, every little thing that goes wrong or makes life hard will seem like the end of the world. That's just not true though. Through the breaking of our own sinful nature, God reveals himself to be that much more beautiful. He becomes bigger and bigger, and our problems and sins become smaller. I haven't gotten to this point yet, but I want to be there. Oh man how I want that. I trust God to cleanse me. Even if I have to remind myself of it everyday. I trust him.

Ministry is so hard. It's draining, and I honestly feel the most tired I've ever been in my life. I know my mission here is important though, and so even on weeks like this where my planner has no space left in each day, and I feel like I might literally die from exhaustion at the end of the week, I'm reminded of the simple verse in 2 Corinthians 12: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." (vs. 9, ESV).

This verse has become so real this entire year. I am nothing without Christ. He sustains me, and he will sustain me in the weeks to come. Even if I continue to feel trapped in my mind, his grace is sufficient to cleanse me, to get me out of that, and to redeem me. So now I wait. I trust him. I pray. I read. I confess. And I believe that the end is near for this season.